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Sometimes I stand at the precipice of my life looking around wondering why I have become so comfortable being a loner. Maybe I am reluctant to tolerate their faults, hence I feel annoyed? Perhaps is it because of my interests and choices of entertainment being so niche that I think I find nothing to discuss? Perchance I am quite sensitive to their thoughts and opinions and I stay in my own little safe space, so I stay untouched? Or possibly is it that I am ashamed of my own imaginary pitiable existence and thus hide from everyone?
But if any of this is true, then I wonder why do I dislike loneliness as well. I crave human interaction. I have always loved being around people – An indolent smile, a burst of infectious laughter, a stupidly random chat, a deeply philosophical debate, just a soft pat on the shoulder, a warm hug from a friend, a passionate kiss from a lover – some things that just made a day better. Should the comfort of my own solitude surpass all need for interaction as I alone should be enough, so does that mean that if I desire all this, I, alone, am not?
My friends jokingly questioned me how I am fine staying indoors these last few months, when before the pandemic, every third day I was out meeting or visiting someone. I was the last person to be stuck indoors. I never identified as an introvert in the traditional sense; have always loved to be around people. But now I needed to be alone, to heal from fractured fate and blundered past. What others perceived as hell was a veiled bliss for me
In the past few months, I have ascertained that I do not want to sacrifice myself and my values to be able to feel like I belong somewhere, but I recognize the need to not be socially isolated either.
Carl Jung said,
Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself
Carl Jung; Memories Dreams and Reflections; Page 356
These last few months I have been alone enough to be comfortable with my own solitude and to be able to question myself without delving into a defensive tirade. I have always called myself an extraverted loner, but as a friend told me a few years ago, putting myself into boxes can be worse than putting others in said such boxes. You are not only limiting your own potential, but you are creating a bias for whoever is contemplating interacting with you. The need to be alone or to be with people is not a constant state, rather as need be. For some folks being around with people would be a sacrifice they are willing to take. For certain individuals being alone is a burden they need to bear to maintain their sanity. I make a choice of who I want to be, when I want to be.
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