Who am I – A crisis of self

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Who am I?

Who am I? What is the best way to answer the question? Of course, a simple answer – Hello I am Soubhagya – suffices in most cases, but then again – Who is Soubhagya. I have always fallen short of describing myself in most cases.

An identity is such a complicated concept that trying to pin it down in a few words is doing injustice. Identity is not just a name that I am being called by. My identity is very much dependent on how I see myself, not just with respect to myself, but in relation to my friends, my surroundings, and the world in general. But my identity is very much reliant on how I saw myself in the past and how I aspire to be in the future and how my present just forms a continuity from what I was to what I can be.

A crisis of self

That brings us to identity crisis – when there is a discontinuation of my past and future self. I may have a clear indication of who I was in the past and I see myself as something in the future, but I am unsure of who am I right now. It has happened a few times – times of career change, times of personal setbacks, Mondays – anytime.

Last three years I have had to question my self a few times. In 2018, I made a rare decision to do management after working in medicine for a long time. Not only was I successful to pull this off but I landed up in one of the most prestigious institutions in the country. One of the first things that people do when they gain admission is to click pictures in front of the famed stone walls of IIM Bangalore. I could not.

A self made trap

650 days.  Not till six hundred and fifty days that I finally decided to click a solo picture in front of the stone walls. I never felt that I was worthy of a photograph in front of these walls. I always doubted whether I belonged here or not. I was questioning who I was as despite having a clear dream about how I want the future to be.

Unlike what I had envisioned it, this place was not just about rebranding myself. I wanted to find a new me somewhere. I wanted to find an answer to why a doctor is going for a full-time management course. Most of my early months there were always about answering that question. I think I developed an undeserved chip on my shoulder, fearing that the explanation appeared as a validation of my decisions. Thus, I found myself trapped in the prison of my own creation; trying to force myself to become a new me, by forgetting who I was earlier. It was painful.

Some sums…

I had always wondered about the battle of past and future; this was the moment of realization that brought comfort to me. I cannot change the past. The past is me.  I am the sum total of every individual I have met.

I am that father who taught me kindness should be the norm. I am that mother who taught me it is okay to cry when you want.

I am that friend who taught me how bad anger can be. I am that friend who taught me to smile when everything falls apart. I am that friend who taught me to give everything for a friend. I am that friend who taught me never to doubt my gifts. I am that friend who taught me it is okay to protect myself. I am that friend who taught me how I am doing better than the worst time of my life. I am that friend who taught simplicity is beneficial too. I am that friend who stands by you even when you push them away.

I am that partner who taught me it is okay if you never fit in. I am that partner who taught me how to love selflessly. Finally, I am that partner who taught me to love me.

I am…

I stand here today and ask myself – Who am I? I am everything. I am fluid yet encompassing. Everything that I have done till now makes me, me. I cannot change any of myself, I cannot undo what I am. I fit nowhere, yet I belong everywhere. I am poet, a writer, a painter, a clay artist, a dancer, a singer, an actor, a director, an artist, a guitarist, a geek, a photographer, a doctor, a manager, a consultant, a philosopher, an absurdist, some days a nihilist, a dreamer, a realist, a friend, a lover, and always a romantic. I am a contradiction to my own conformity. I am large, I contain multitudes. I am Soubhagya.

I do not think I will ever stop asking Who am I. That level of self realization helps me actualize myself better. I left to disappear is a poem with themes about change and questioning one self. Give it a read.
The featured image is clicked in Bali, the trip I took to celebrate getting admission in IIM Bangalore. The 2nd picture is the aforementioned picture I took 650 days after I started there. Follow me on my Instagram for travel pictures.

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