Reading Time: 10 min
New Beginnings
“It is getting late, I should go”
Her eyes were focused on the faint rays of the twilight sun creeping through the horizon.
“You don’t have to.” He gave her hand a soft squeeze. “You can stay for as long as you want.”
She turned to look at him. Her eyes started welling up.
“I know I can. But being here, with you. It just feels so wrong”
The moment she said that she knew she hurt him. He was patient and kind. He became her best friend. He became her support. Yet, meeting him, she still felt a tinge of shame. Like this was never supposed to be and she had no control over how she ended up here with him and today of all days.
“I am sorry. It came out wrong.”
He gave him a weak smile.
“You don’t have to apologize. But you don’t have to feel guilty either.”
She gave a forced chuckle, “Am I that transparent? No, you don’t have to answer.”
“I wonder if he saw me with you now, here, what would be his reaction.”
She broke into laughter. “That is such a stupid thought to have, I am asking that question aloud.” She put her hand on his cheek softly, “I am sorry. I know it is difficult for you, but thank you for being the kind man that you are.”
He smiled again, “I am exactly where I want to be. With you.”
She grinned back, “I am grateful, but I have to go. I need to shower, change and then I am meeting his mom for breakfast.”
She withdrew her hand, “I will tell her about you today.”
“Oh!”, he could sense her getting tense. “How would she take it.”
“She loves me. She loves him more. I just hope she doesn’t start hating me.”
“No, she won’t.”
“Easy for you to say”
“Haha, no that is not what I meant. You did what you did. You did what you felt was right.”
“But it feels like I am breaking my promise to his son.”
He turned towards her, “I cannot convince you. No one can. But you did not break any promises. You loved him, in fact, even now a part of you still loves him. But you need to remember that.”
Tears welled up in her eyes as she contemplated his words. “What did I deserve to get love like this twice in my life?”
“Well, you are just awesome,” he said with a smirk. “Now, I believe you were running late, shall I drop you home?”
“I would like that, but how about you give me a few moments alone before we leave?”
He hugged her and started walking away. She sat down to the ground.
“He is a good man. He is patient, he is kind, he is generous. More than that he understands that still being in love with you doesn’t mean that I love him any less. He loves me too. I don’t even know how I spent the last five years without you, but I want to live by taking your love forward. I know you would want that. I know you would have preferred to be here, but in some ways you are. I would always love you and I would always miss you.”
She looked at his headstone with teary eyes.
Loving son, loving husband
‘Til Death Do Us Apart’
She stood up. “I will go dear and have breakfast with your mother. Don’t worry, I am taking care of her, not that she needs it. I will say you say hello”
She gave him a kiss and started walking to the parking lot. She looked up at the horizon and rising sun rays hit her on the face. She smiled. She was looking at new beginnings – a new life. She knew she would be fine.
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to”
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
Moving On
Coping with grief is a unique, individual journey and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. In this grieving process, many find themselves torn between the past and the possibility of new beginnings. Emotional turmoil often clouds judgment, making it difficult to perceive love after loss as a positive step. This struggle requires more than just emotional support; it calls for a delicate balance of understanding oneself and honouring past relationships.
Love After Loss
The goal isn’t to forget the past but to consciously integrate the past into one’s future. Whether through professional help or using coping mechanisms, each individual must forge their own path towards personal growth. Guilt, fear of judgment, and doubt may arise. But love isn’t finite; it’s possible to deeply love someone who has passed away while also developing affection for someone new. This is not a betrayal of the past but rather an evolution, a form of personal growth that honours our human need for connection. Open communication and transparency about one’s feelings can lead to mutual understanding and emotional support, making the journey of moving on a shared experience rather than a solitary struggle.
“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”
Robert Frost
The subject of acceptance, especially as one of the stages of grief, is nuanced. It’s not about erasing the past or pretending it didn’t happen. Acceptance is not a monolith rather a mosaic of emotions, sometimes seemingly contradictory. It’s a complex path where the end goal isn’t to return to our old selves, but emerging as someone who has grown, learned, and can love again, even in the face of irrevocable loss. It’s okay to have moments of weakness, to question your journey, and to still feel a twinge of the past’s pain. Yet, even amidst these intricacies, there’s room for new beginnings and the courage to take that important next step—towards a future you’re still meant to shape.
My writings often explore mental health, grief, and depression—usually penned amidst personal emotional storms. Writing this piece was a pleasant challenge – articulating the complexities of acceptance and new beginnings from a vantage point outside my own turmoil. This story is a spiritual successor of this story. The above image is clicked in Maldives in October 2022. Follow me on Instagram for more travel photographs
