Reading Time: 8 min
Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Contents
How do I wake up?
How do I wake up? Here we are – another morning, sunlight streaming through the French doors. Life has changed so much but has not changed at all. I have had an 8-hour sleep and I am lying in the bed and wondering why I am so drained mentally and physically. I am wondering is it worth getting up or not.
Why do I wake up?
Another wave. Check.
Financial issues. Check.
Emotional vulnerability. Check.
Professional problems. Luckily no.
Relationship struggles. Thankfully no.
Adversity. I am lying in the bed and wondering can I pick and choose the good things and ignore the things that are not the most conducive to waking up. The sleep was a dream-like state, but the moment I wake up, I know all the troubles will be back. I don’t want it. I rather not wake up.
People that love me. Check.
People I love. Check.
People I wish to love me. A lot.
People I wish I love. Too many.
Responsibility. The curse of being an adult. Adult actions and interactions with valid consequences for which we take accountability for thus making us responsible. But lying on the bed, I begin to question – is the action of my own free will or things are just happening, and I am a mute witness to my own life. If it is the latter, then what am I responsible for – my free will. The free will which is responsible for me being a mute witness?
“Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility.”
Sigmund Freud
What ifs of my life.
I have a house. Check.
I have a car. Check.
I have clothes. Check.
I have food. Check.
Comfort. Life is good. I enjoy it. Life is bad. I don’t enjoy it. But life is not good or bad – I just attribute the good and the bad to life and cry in discomfort. The discomfort is just a mental construct, unlike the bed I am lying on top of. I can either embrace the suck or choose that there is nothing to suck and it is all that there is. So why can’t I just get up?
What is the worst that can happen?
I will get stuck in traffic.
I will get late for work.
I will be shouted at by someone.
My car will break down.
My house will be set on fire.
My life will be lost.
But then, what good can happen?
I will get empty roads.
I will get a promotion and a raise.
Someone will compliment me.
I will make a new friend.
I will find a life partner.
Anything can happen today. Nothing will happen if I don’t leave the bed.
What wakes me up!
“At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: “I have to go to work — as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I’m going to do what I was born for — the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?”
Marcus Aurelius
Every morning of every day I face some sort of difficulty waking up. Today is not different. I am lying in the bed questioning how do I wake up? I want to stay in the bed, cradled by the warmth of the blanket and stay in sweet denial feeling nice. That is where the irony lies. The niceness stops being nice. I, as a human being, am not built to feel nice. I, like everything else on this planet, have a duty.
Duty to the planet. Check.
Duty to the nation. Check.
Duty to my community. Check.
Duty to my family. Check.
Duty to my friends. Check.
Duty to my profession. Check.
Duty to my partner. Check.
Duty to myself. Check.
The days, like today, when I do not want to wake up, I wake up because I have a duty to something or somebody. Some days I wake up because I have a duty to myself. I am not exempt from that. The purpose of my life need not be to turn the earth in a certain way. If today, I affect one life, even if it is mine, that helps. I am getting out of bed.
Living is the least important activity of the preoccupied man, yet there is nothing which is harder to learn… Learning how to live takes a whole life
Seneca
I have lived with dysthymia for so long that I have gone through every symptom that it has to offer. There are ebbs and flows of course. I am functional most of the days, yet some weeks in the year i am filled with darkness. Living with depression is hard, but not impossible. But one thing that is common to every day is this question – How do I wake up? Or why do I wake up? The former is easier to answer. The latter not so much. But one question at a time.
The above image I clicked at Lake Naukuchiatal in Uttarakhand on a fairly cold morning.
If time, revisit this poem about living in the acute depression.
Beautiful ❤️
Thank you 🙂