Reading Time: 6 min
“Very little is required to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
2020 had been a year of healing for me. Today is Mental Health Awareness day and I want to show a glimpse into my mind.
Contents
My inner voice
My inner voice has always been a confused character. Sometimes it is encouraging – Soubhagya, it is okay, this is tough, you are tougher. Do it Soubhagya, what is the most that can go wrong. So many things, but so many things can go right as well.
But sometimes, the inner voice is mean. It berates me, calls me names, humiliates me, and makes me feel like a failure. I understand there is a basic need to critique myself, but when does that critique become a threat to my self-awareness.
The last 9 months have been challenging.
Challenges to a negative voice
Most of my childhood, and early twenties, I was called animal names for being fat. It stopped when I slimmed down. I attributed my self-worth to my physical self. Now that I gained 15 kg last year, my inner voice berated me – “You are useless, good for nothing. You can’t take care of yourself. Do you even love yourself?”
For months, I carried the burden of a breakup, thinking I am unlovable because I am a bad person. Being told that they don’t love me anymore after months of saying otherwise puts an idea that I am unlikable, thus anyone getting to know me will find me despicable after a while and leave me irrespective of what they initially promised – “Soubhagya, she left you because you are a piece of shit”.
I have been learning the guitar, but progress is not fast enough. I set up unacceptable expectations and fail – “Soubhagya you will screw up and make mistakes, they will pile up and you will end up being worthless.”
This inner voice makes me lose faith in myself. It makes me doubt myself. But I learned to manage it.
I am stronger
One is denying it. – Voice, you are an idiot. I just started learning guitar, it is fine if I do not play like Slash. I am playing, I am getting better. Sooner or later I will be playing well enough to call myself a guitarist.
Second is countering the negative with positive arguments. “Listen you, inner voice. She did not love me, not because I am unlovable or I am a bad person, it is just – she did not love me. I was just collateral damage in her path to self-discovery. I am not derailing myself. Look around, I have friends who have stayed with me for more than 2 decades, would they have if i were a bad person? If you cannot take my word, then take their word. I am not a bad person. I am not unlovable. People want to stay with me, they like me, and some even love me.
Thirdly, acceptance. The one that brings balance to the force. Yes, inner voice, I got fat again, despite promising myself I will never get fat again. I accept that. I gained weight; I will lose again. In fact, I lost 6.5 kg in the last couple of months. I was going through a bad time, recovering from a heartbreak and a debilitating back injury. I accept that this happens, and I will take steps to make me healthier. But my self-worth is untarnished, irrespective of how I look, I am who I am.
Deny the storm
I get it, some days the inner voice is a whirlwind of self-destruction, but you and I are built of stronger stuff. Let us be proud of ourselves and deny this storm. Let the storm be wary of us.
This is a transcript of a video I made on Instagram for Mental Health Awareness Day. You can see that in the embedded link.
Something light to read – The Unceasing Wait.
This image was clicked in Bali. Check out more pictures in my Portfolio
